Chapter 2 - Rules of Engagement

Two days later Julie invited Allen over for dinner again. She normally did. For one, Allen was a student and tended to eat badly when he wasn’t eating out. And she was asking him for a big favour, it was only polite to pamper him a little. After a meal of deep fried polenta with salsa followed by quiche they stacked the dishes in the sink and went into the living area. Allen sat on the couch and looked around.
Julie’s living room layout had always baffled him. Instead of backing her couch up against one of the walls, she’d used it to bisect the room, creating a living room out of one half and an office out of the other. It meant that when you entered her apartment, you saw the desk to one side and the back of the couch in front of you.
And yet, whenever he sat down and saw the cozy space created by the couch, the TV, and a chair (when Julie brought one from the kitchen to sit on, as she did now) he thought it was a brilliant arrangement. It also afforded a great view when the curtains for the balcony were pulled aside. Which was probably the real reason she did it. Unfortunately it faced south rather than west so she couldn’t watch the sunset. But she could see the coloured lights on the CN Tower at night.
Her entire apartment was done in muted earth tones. A pale green in the kitchen and light beige walls with brown furniture for the living room. The bedroom was all in cream.
Since Julie had proposed this ‘dating’ plan, Allen decided not to bring a movie to watch. They’d need the time to talk instead. Besides, he’d made a list of rules for her and wasn’t sure how long it would take for him to convince her to follow them. Instead of waiting for her to broach the subject, Allen jumped right to the heart of the matter. “Alright, if you want me to set you up I’ll do it, but you’ll have to follow my rules.
Julie squealed and jumped up and down clapping her hands. “I knew it! I knew you’d help me!”
Allen smiled, bemused by her behaviour.
When she’d calmed down and reseated herself, she seemed to remember what else he’d said. “Rules? What do you mean, rules?”
“Just some things you should do so that you get the most from this experience without compromising yourself. If you’re not willing to abide by these, than you’ll have to come up with another plan to meet men.
Julie narrowed her eyes at him. “So, what are these rules?”
Good, she’s willing to go along with this. “Rule number one: Until you’ve gone out with several men you don’t call any of them back for second dates. That’s so you get a feel for the type of men out there and don’t throw yourself at the first handsome man you go out with simply because you had a good date. Take your time, see what you like and then decide.”
Julie slowly nodded her head. Makes sense.
“Rule number two: After each date we’re going to discuss how things went and see if there’s anything you need to change.”
“Anything I need to change?” Julie parroted, confused. “Like what?”
“Like, did you talk too much or too little. What kind of impression you made versus the kind of impression you wanted to make. That sort of thing. What you could do to have more fun on these dates.”
She nodded again though she looked a little uncertain.
Here’s where we’ll see how much she really wants to find someone, Allen thought. I don’t know if she’ll go for this one. “Rule number three: You’ll have to change a few things about yourself according to my dating advice.”
“What kinds of things?” Julie asked.
“Well, first off, your hair’s too long.”
“My hair’s too long?” She shook her head in confusion.
Allen sighed. This was going to be painful. “Look, I’m going to let you in on a few secrets. Men like certain things about women. For one, they fantasize about being able to run their hands through your hair.”
Julie was staring at him with a look of horrified fascination on her face. “You’re kidding me.”
“Afraid not. Men think about sex a lot, right?”
“If you say so.” At his incredulous look she threw up her hands. “Yes, ok, I know that.”
“Good. I’d hate to think you’re that naive.”
“So men like to run their hands through women’s hair.”
“Yes, and your hair is too long.”
“Wait, wouldn’t this be, like, an attraction thing? I mean there must be guys out there who like long hair.”
“Yeah, but dating is a numbers game. You’re trying to attract the maximum number so you can pick the best of the bunch.”
Julie looked uncertain. After all, she didn’t want tons of guys falling for her, just one. The right one. But she supposed he had a point. You did have to look through a lot of people to find that one.
“So why’s my hair too long?” She asked, getting back to the point.
“Because- Look, just try it. Try running your hands through your hair.”
She did. They got stuck around her shoulders. “I see.”
“There’s nothing less cool than getting your hands stuck in your date’s hair.”
“My date’s going to do this in public??”
“Probably not.”
“Probably?”
“I can’t exactly guarantee this.”
“Riiight. So. Haircut. Got it.”
“Don’t do anything too extreme, just a few inches off would be fine. Next,--”
“There’s more?”
“I’m afraid so. Next, we have to talk clothes.”
She was defensive again. “What’s wrong with my clothes?”
“Well, they’re all dark colours, which is great if you’re going to a funeral but not so great on a date. You want to stand out and be noticed. It’s also helpful to wear a shirt with buttons.”
“Buttons?”
Allen grinned and wiggled his eyebrows. “Yeah, they’re easier to take off than sweaters.” He ducked so as to avoid Julie’s punch.
“Ok, now you’re putting me on.”
“No. What did I say about men?”
“All they think about is sex.”
“Yes. And unbuttoning their date is sexy.”
“I want to go on a date not to a porn parlour.” She pointed a finger at him. “And if any of your dates try to take me to a porn parlour I swear I will personally castrate you.” She paused. “After I do the same to my date, of course.”
Allen was laughing so hard he almost missed the last phrase. When he could speak again he tried to reassure her. “Normally you’re not the ones taking your clothes off at a porn parlour, that’s for the people on the screen.”
Julie just glared at him. “And how would you know that?”
“Hearsay of course. Seriously, guys fantasize a lot about stuff like that, it doesn’t mean they expect their dates to put out on the first date or anything. Well,” he corrected on reflection, “Some do. But I’ll try to weed those guys out of your dating pool.”
“Thank you.” Julie said, emphatically. “Remember, I’m looking for someone I can get serious about, not a one night stand.”
“Right. On to make-up.”
“My make-up’s wrong too?”
“No, actually it’s pretty good. Just don’t decide that since it’s a date you should cake on more, thinking it will make you look better. Less is more.”
“Tell me something, why didn’t you tell me any of this earlier?”
“Do I look stupid? What would you have done to me if I had?”
She thought about it. “Good point. So why tell me now?”
“Because you asked.”
“I asked you to help me find a decent guy.”
“Exactly. And following these pointers will help you find that guy.”
“Why do I have trouble believing that. Then again, you’d know better than I would. Thanks Allen.”
“Don’t thank me yet, you still have to meet Mr. Right.” Allen said, suddenly feeling uncomfortable. After all, as far as he was concerned he was her Mr. Right. He leaned towards her and took her hands in his. “Follow my tips and remember, you’re an attractive woman.”
Julie gave a bitter laugh and pulled her hands away. “You know as well as I do I’m nothing special.”
Allen sat up straight again. “Two more rules. Number four: Believe in yourself. There’s nothing less attractive than a woman who believes she isn’t beautiful. Remember, when you’re on a date the man is trying to please you. You’re the star. Have some confidence in yourself.” He waited until she nodded before continuing. “Number five: You really have to work on your smile.”
“My smile?”
“Yeah. That habitual grimace isn’t going to cut it on a date. A smile lights up your face, bringing out,” his voice rose to a high pitched mocking sound, “the little stars in your eyes.” He laughed again as she scowled at him. “It may sound corny but it happens to be true. A smile really can change the look of a person’s face. Let’s practice. Smile for me.”
“I can’t smile on demand.”
“Sure you can. You do it all day at work.”
“Alright.”
“No. No. No. No. No. I said smile, not you’re going to have your leg cut off. It’s too fixed. Try again. That’s better but it still looks fake. Hmm. You really want a natural smile.” He thought about it for a moment. “I know. What’s the worst thing you get asked at the info desk at the library?”
“Besides ‘I’m looking for a book?’”
“Yeah, besides that.”
“That would probably be, ‘I can’t remember the name or author but it’s got a red cover and it’s about the sea.’” Her lips turned up slightly as she spoke, remembering how often she heard such useless prompts. Indeed, that was more information than she usually got. “Or maybe, ‘I saw this book reviewed in the Globe and Mail a few weeks ago, but I can’t remember anything about it. Can you tell me what it was?’” Then she snapped her fingers. “If we’re going for funny rather than annoying than it’s this one. This guy calls asking for George Orwell’s 1983.” She laughed as she relived the memory of that phone call.
“That’s it. That’s the smile you want on your face when you meet your date. Quick, go look in the mirror so you can remember how to do it.”
Julie leaned forward and smacked him on the arm. “I’m not that hopeless.”
“Perhaps not, but keep a few happy memories handy so you’re smiling and feeling confidant rather than looking scared and feeling nervous when you meet your date.”
“That’s easier said than done. I’ve got the feeling I’m going to be a basket case, at least on the first date.”
“In that case I’ll try to pick someone who won’t be too demanding.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
Allen waved the question away, “Don’t sweat it. Leave your dates to me. We’ll have you happily married before you know it.”
Julie just glared at him again. Why did she feel like he was pulling her leg? There was something off in this whole conversation but she was too excited about her future prospects and too afraid of messing them up to try to find out what it was.
“Speaking of marriage, I made up a list of what I’m looking for in my future husband.” She left the couch and went into her bedroom. A few minutes later she came out with a piece of paper. She seemed slightly embarrassed as she handed it to him. Maybe she didn’t entirely think of him as one of the ‘girls’ after all. Or maybe, he thought, reading through the list, she was simply embarrassed by this list.
He started laughing as he read further down the page, then turned it over to read more. “You’ve got to be kidding me. This is your actual list?”
“What’s wrong with it?” She demanded, getting defensive yet again.
“This person doesn’t exist. Can’t exist. I mean, listen to this. Outgoing, a good listener - listening really isn’t a strong point for most men. Committed - don’t bring this up on the first few dates or the guy’s going to disappear. Honest,” he nodded, “Cheerful, Open - what does this mean?”
“You know, open. Sensitive. Able to talk and express his emotions. Not afraid to cry.”
“You’re not serious.”
“What’s wrong with that?”
Allen just shook his head and continued with the list. “Thrifty, Hard working - what is this, a job opening? Single woman needs capable man to take out garbage and keep her from wasting her money on on-line dating services? Anyway, Dependable, Punctual, Handsome - well that’s a matter of personal preference. You’ll have to be the judge of that.” He though a moment. “Though having a few ideas of what you find attractive will help me screen dates for you.” He looked at her intently.
Julie shifted in her chair, uncomfortable with the need to describe the physical traits of her ideal partner. “I don’t know. I haven’t really thought about it. Tall, I guess. Taller than me at any rate.”
Check one, Allen thought.
“I don’t really know.”
“OK, we’ll leave that for now. Patient, Creative, Refined, Chaste-” He broke off and glanced up at her. “Does this mean what I think it means?“ She nodded. “Do you have any idea how hard it’s going to be to find a man older than 15 who’s still a virgin?”
“Come on. I can’t believe everyone out there’s all enthused about getting someone pregnant and passing along STDs.”
She really was naïve. “We’re talking guys here. Most of them don’t worry about pregnancy, it’s not their problem after all. And as for STDs, well, you have a point there, but a lot of them transfer easier from men to women anyway so again, not much concern for them. Especially if they’ve already got one.”
“Thanks, that’s put my mind at ease.” Then she shook her head. “I’m not that dense you know, you’re talking stereotypes anyway.”
“Stereotypes get started for a reason.”
“Yes, but that doesn’t mean they’re true for every or even any individual. Take you for example. Unless you’ve been keeping secrets,” and her expression showed that she thought this was unlikely, “you’re still a virgin.”
For a moment Allen felt like denying this, then he realized that since this was one of her criteria the truth would serve him better. Besides, there was something inherently wrong with lying to the woman you love. And he knew when she discovered the truth she’d feel betrayed regardless of his reasoning for the deception. So he decided to play of the ‘humourous’ aspect of the issue. “Don’t say that so loud!”
His words had the desired effect. She laughed. “It’s nothing to be embarrassed about,” she tried to placate him.
“Maybe not for you, but it is for guys. OK, so it’s not impossible but I’m still not going to ask my friends if they’re… you know.” He said, avoiding the word. “You can figure it one out on your own if it’s that important to you. Passing over ‘Chaste’ we get Intelligent and Knowledgeable. Spiritual. You know, religious might work better with chaste than spiritual.”
“I haven’t gone to church in years and I’m not too inclined to do so even though I still consider myself Christian. I guess I want someone who believes in God but won’t smother me with religion. But maybe you’re right. Someone who’s religious would be good for raising children with.”
He nodded. “Your list goes on and on and on. Healthy, Stable, Responsible, Accountable, Respectful… As I said, you’re describing Mr. Perfect.” He folded the list and tapped it on his knee as he spoke. “Why don’t you wait on creating your wish list until you’ve gone on a few dates and met some real men.”
“You’re telling me the men I know now are all fake?”
Allen rolled his eyes. “I meant in a dating capacity. Men act differently on a date than they do when they’re serving you french fries or asking for help finding a book. Besides, it’s not until you’ve been dating for a while that you stop being on your best behaviour every time you meet. So, in a way, when you’re dating you’re both pretty fake for the first few months.”
“But, if I don’t have a list to start off with won’t I be more willing to settle for someone I won’t be happy with?”
“That’s possible, but that’s why I’ve created rule number one. I’ll set you up with several people for first dates and after a few months you can then look back and decide if you want to see any of them again. And your list, when you make it, will be more realistic.”
“Alright,” she said hesitantly. She didn’t take the page back so Allen discretely slid it into his pocket for later perusal.
“So, you’ll follow my rules?”
“They sound pretty intelligent. So, yes. I’ll follow them.”
Good. Step one accomplished. Even if she happens to like one of the guys I’ve picked she’ll still talk to me about the dates and I’ll be able to influence her considerations of the men. And I should be able to keep her on first dates long enough for her to see I’m the one she’s looking for. Allen smiled as he got up to leave. “It’s getting late and I need to catch up on my sleep.”
“Too many late night parties?”
He lifted his jacked off the back of the chair where he’d thrown it as he responded to her banter. “Nah, I had to mark essays all day. A few of the students handed them in late, so I’ve got to have them marked by tomorrow. Some of the kids’ answers are simply preposterous. I’ve had to check a few on the internet to be sure they’re not plagiarizing them. I’m not sure which is worse, copying a good essay or writing a bad one.”
Julie laughed. “Good luck with that.
“Lucky students. They all get a week off before their exams start.
“And you don’t?”
He shook his head. “I’ve got to proctor one on the 23rd, but as a PhD student, I don’t have exams for my classes. That’s what you missed by only getting a masters.”
“And yet, I have to admit, I don’t miss school.”
“Not at all?” Allen asked, thinking of all the times they'd studied together before she graduated and started working full time.”
“Well… maybe a little. Watching you freak out over Latin every week was slightly amusing.”
“For you maybe. It just so happens I do have my Latin exam next week.”
Julie groaned in sympathy. She knew Allen hated Latin, and struggled with it a lot, but as a Medieval Studies student he couldn’t graduate without it. “Good luck with that.”
“Thanks.” Allen paused, a little conflicted. “So, I’ll call you when I have the first date set up.”
Julie just nodded. “Thanks for coming over. And Allen, I really am happy that you’ve agreed to help me with this.”
“Don’t mention it. We all know I’m a nice guy.” He said with a grin as he closed the door behind him. And nice guys finish last.
When he got home he fished her list out of his pocket. Surely there was something here he could use. The list was unrealistic, but had some decent attributes on it. As he scanned his way down it he had trouble finding characteristics that he couldn’t attribute to himself. That made him smile. He already was three quarters the man Julie was looking for. He couldn’t believe he had so many. Even chaste, which she seemed to think was so important. Suddenly he was glad he’d not felt the urge to sleep around. He’d always been looking for someone who wouldn’t abandon him when things got tough. Not even his last girlfriend with whom he’d broken up the year before had properly fulfilled that criteria. And now, the only woman he wanted was Julie.
He smiled and put the list in the top drawer of his dresser.